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A Poem for Alvar...
Submitted by Martin Andelman <mandelman@mac.com> on 16/May/2008
Message:
A Poem for Alvar…
I walked out in the desert today
Blood was on the ground
I wasn’t there the day it happened
But my ears can hear the sound
I can’t understand or grasp the feeling
That would end a life so bright
In my mind thoughts send me reeling
Fighting back tears with all my might
Still, even though I know I’ll make it through this
Even though I know it’s not a dream
Even though I know I’ve been so lucky
There are still so many moments that I just want to scream
We walked to school we learned to dance
Together every moment that we had the chance
We left home to start our lives together
With the courage brought by friendship sure to last forever
Like dominoes falling we both found love so true
Stood next to each other as best friends do
Blessed with daughters first Jax and then came Tay
We shared joy far beyond that which either could pray
We worked together to create a dream
We failed together as we swam upstream
We hurt together when either felt life’s pain
It was easier knowing that “we” would remain
I never thought about life without you near me
I never thought about how it would be to go on
I never thought about you and your last decision
Never thought that you would ever be gone
Now my memories are filled with questions, anger and sadness
And I know that you would understand it all
And I know that you’d reach out to help me
Understand why you left without making that call
I would have readily bet a million dollars
Against you ever taking your own life
Would have done anything to stop it
As would have your family, your friends, your wife
I rose to speak at your memorial service
Hadn’t planned to but felt no choice
Saw lost faces of those that loved you
And although I spoke it was with your voice
I tried so hard to make some sense
Out if something that could never
Be tied up neatly with a bow
Through words thoughtful, loving, or clever
Now I know that I have finally grown-up
Through the loss of you, my dearest friend
I’ve seen a side of life that should not exist
An outcome I know that you did not intend
Each day my mind remembers “us”
Together throughout a life shared
You taught me so much along the way
But for this ending I was unprepared
I tell myself to find a way to close
This chapter that has been my whole life
I tell myself that what you chose
Was the only way you saw to end your pain and strife
But I’ve come to realize some things never close
They can never be understood
Some losses are simply too great to weather
Like chopping off something grown of wood
I think the path lies in finding a way
To forgive you for what you’ve done
And forgive myself for being helpless
For losing a battle I most wish I had won
I want you to know how much I loved you
How I’ll miss you each day until my last
That I’ll do whatever I can to help your family
That I’ll never forget about our wonderful past
I want you to know that I will forgive you
And that I will forgive myself too
That I’ll strive to remember your life, not its ending
It won’t be easy, but it's what I must do
I want you to know that throughout all the pain
Through the sadness, the anger, the doubts, and the shock
That I’ve never been able to forget for a moment
That our time on this planet ticks away like a clock
And, although my life going forward will not be the same
For your final act broke the rules of the game
But you can rest in peace knowing what I now know above all
I'm immeasurably lucky to have you to recall.
So, to all that still mourn the open wound of his death
To all that still wonder why he chose to take his last breath
Let go and forgive him so you can remember his smile
His laughter and his coffee, his unique and passionate style
For Alvar has left us and the why matters not
Don't let his life's end become key to this story's plot
For Alvar lived and he loved like no one else I have known
And that is what I pray into our memories is sewn.
Goodbye Alvar. Rest in Peace... I love you.
Martin
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